


Comparison Chart

by Marie_L



Category: Almost Human
Genre: Emotional Constipation, Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Robot/Human Relationships, Robot/Robot Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8881942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marie_L/pseuds/Marie_L
Summary: Stuck together on a stakeout, Paul and Kennex compare partner notes. Little do they know Dorian and MX-43 are doing the same.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SFM2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SFM2/gifts).



Due to an unfortunate quirk in the android upgrade schedule, Detective Richard Paul found himself on stakeout not only with an unfamiliar loaner MX, but stuck babysitting a Dorian-less Kennex as well. Trapped for six hours in a squad car with his unstable asshole nemesis, great. There was always the hope that the perp would show herself early and they could beat it to the bliss of an afternoon of paperwork, but alas, by the desolate state of the warehouse in front of them, that wasn’t looking promising. Two other MXs were posted on visual around the location, and Richard honestly wished he were out in the rain with them instead of in here.

“So, Dorian had to get his software jacked too, huh? You’d think they could spread out the downtime better,” Richard said, trying to make the first polite move. May as well not have overt hostilities if they could manage it, and honestly in the past he’d been kind of an unfair jerk to Dorian. But the old bot had demonstrated a willingness to jump into the fire to protect humans more than a few times now, so Paul was coming around. If Kennex’s obsolete model kept his destructive, drug-addled tendencies at bay, who was Richard to force him to change?

Kennex grunted at the comment and stared out of the cruiser’s streaky window. “I blame Rudy. Multi-model integration, cross-net cooperation, blah blah blah. Sounds like a bunch of team-building bullshit to me. Sticking Dorian back in with those Ken dolls even for one day is more of a punishment than an upgrade.”

Despite steeling himself for Kennex’s grumpiness, this affront to the MXs irritated Richard. “You know, if you actually worked with the MXs for more than five minutes before shooting them in the head, you’d see how reliable they really are.”

“Still not over that, eh? I said I was sorry.”

“Uh, no, you said he was a defective toaster. Which he wasn’t. He was my partner, not a half-dead dog you put out of misery.”

“Wow, attached, aren’t you?” He jerked a thumb towards the new model sitting in the back seat, impassively analyzing them. “I don’t get it, Paul. They’re literally emotionless automatons blindly following endless charts of algorithms. How can you put your life in the hands of _that?_ If they calculated that there was a point-one greater chance that you’d die faster than the other guy, they’d hang you out to dry.”

“Actually,” the MX in the back seat suddenly droned, “we have a complex morality matrix to determine the weight of each…”

“Don’t care, bot,” Kennex said, cutting him off. “I’ll take the DRN’s warm-blooded irrationality any day. At least I know Dorian _wants_ to be my partner.”

“If it’s a choice between hanging dead in a closet or hanging with you, well, that’s a tough decision isn’t it?” Richard countered. “Sounds like a calculated choice to me, behind all that snarky camaraderie. How well do you really know Dorian? Just because he acts like a human, doesn’t mean he is one. At least with an MX, what you see is what you get.”

“Dorian does care,” Kennex said. But Richard detected a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “Better that than some… tool. I’m not putting my life in something — emphasis on the ‘thing’— that isn’t my friend.”

Richard was quiet for a moment, weighing whether to bait Kennex further. And suddenly, he decided just to go for it. What the hell did he care what this guy concluded, or thought of him?

“He’s just your friend, huh?” Richard finally said, after a long pause. “Come on, I know you’ve taken him home. Everyone does it. I swear they have a subprocess for ‘World’s Greatest Handjob’ for their long-term partners. No big deal.”

Kennex jerked his head away from the window to stare at him. “Dude. I am _so_ not having this conversation. Especially not with Thing Number 1346 back there broadcasting everything to all the others.”

“Oh, fucking grow up, would you Kennex? You said yourself that they’re tools, so what’s wrong with a little stress relief? From a being that has no feelings to mess up, no complications, no lies or deception. Whose only ambition in life is to obey orders, and doesn’t care about the content of those orders? Dorian acts more like a human, but it’s only an act. Deep down he’s just a less stable version of them.”

“Maybe I like the pretense, ever think of that? If I wanted a sex toy, well there’s plenty of creative options from print shops along the Wall. You haven’t _seen_ him, or talked to him for more than ten seconds, so where do you get off judging?”

“I was around for the DRNs the first time,” Richard said evenly. “You Luddites were off with your human partners, but a lot of the rest of us had to deal with their crazy asses. And they _were_ crazy, don’t fool yourself that they weren’t. Not just the breakdowns and suicides and damn robot PTSD, but they were evil geniuses at making their partners fall in love with them. And then the humans would jump into the line of fire for their damn bots, the exact opposite of what they were created for. They made the police force less safe, not more. You see what I’m getting at here? Any of this sound a little familiar?”

“That why you’re always riding Dorian so hard? You’re just looking out for me, is that it?” John said, with that petulant sarcasm that only he could produce.

“Man, I couldn’t care less if you bite it. But it’s bad for morale, and bad policy, to let unstable cops run around. And yeah, I do mean you, not just Dorian. Two damaged hotshots is not better than one.”

Kennex actually rolled his eyes, just like a five-year-old. “So, let me get this straight. It’s okay to fuck your android if it’s got no feelings, no free will, and no junk. It’s _not_ okay if the android can choose for himself, actually gives a damn about you, and is conveniently pre-equipped with an amazing schlong. Got it. Makes total sense.”

“Dorian has a dick?” Richard said, despite himself. Kennex was never going to get the philosophical argument, so why bother to try? May as well kill time talking cocks, instead of getting all riled up.

“ _Perfection.”_ Kennex kissed his fingers, like Dorian was a fancy French meal. Richard didn’t know whether to be impressed or appalled.

“Well, at least you’re getting something out of the relationship.” Richard leaned over and took a swig of his coffee, wishing himself out of this damn car yet again. “Just admit it’s a relationship, dude. Not a sex toy, like you said.”

“Fuck off, Paul.”

“That’s your partner’s job, not mine,” Richard shot back, and for the first time in months, he heard John Kennex actually laugh.

“Fine, fine, I _like_ Dorian. As a person, not a thing, and it sucks that the world treats him and the other DRNs as defective, throwaway equipment. He’s not logical, not cold and analytic, not like a damn robot. God, are we really going to talk _feelings_ now?”

“Oh. So now maybe you know how I felt when you destroyed my partner. Maybe I liked him too.”

Kennex turned away from the window to look him over, genuinely puzzled. “But… why? Seriously, I do not get the MX love, Paul. You heard the story of what they did to my previous partner? You know, the human cop that those things were supposed to take a bullet for? Not to mention my leg.”

“ _You_ screwed the pooch on that mission, Kennex. Don’t go blaming the robots for bad intelligence and bad decisions.”

“One of those things left Martin to die. Just like him.” He jabbed a thumb back towards 1346. “And you know what, speaking of feelings, I’m not gonna feel bad about holding my grudge until the end of time.”

“Sooner or later, Dorian’s going to break down, then you’ll be stuck with the inevitable. And I’m telling you man, it’s not that bad. You want to sit in the presence of another person and just brood for hours? Fine. Or you want to take out a week’s worth of screaming aggression on someone you can’t hurt, in any sense of the word? Dandy. You just want a nice backrub and be handed a cold beer after a long day? It’s all good.”

“A toaster as a twentieth-century housewife. And you say _Dorian’s_ crazy,” Kennex spit out. “I mean, what do you even do with it? In bed, I mean. Not to denigrate the backrubs or anything, but your man’s got nothing to work with downstairs.”

Richard ignored his sarcastic snide. “What, no one ever told you about the port?”

“The… port?”

“Yeah, you know. For interchangeability. Personally, I think the bifurcated cock is fun. But so’s the vibrating drill. And the suction vag isn’t half-bad either. So many possibilities. Rudy can hook you up, man.”

Kennex’s face slowly turned to dawning horror and awe. So much for the vaunted DRN dick.

“I am so not having this conversation,” Kennex muttered, and Richard grinned. Worth it just to watch him squirm.

 

* * *

 

At times like these — stuck in a sterile white room with his purple head cracked open, forced to listen to two dozen MXs babble monotonously over every spare megabit of bandwidth — Dorian earnestly wished he were human. Although John had been forced to sit through the flesh and blood version of the “Cyber-Intelligence Cooperative Matrix Upgrade,” and it hadn’t done much for his disposition either. For this procedure they were necessarily awake, and stimulated to a net version of chattiness, or at least as chatty as the MXs’ personality interfaces allowed. Dorian decided the best way to handle the overload was o focus on one unit at a time. Get to know them as individuals, so to speak. He zeroed in on MX-43.908, Detective Richard Paul’s partner for about a year now, ever since John had unceremoniously shot the Detective’s previous unit in the head. Who had been obnoxious and condescending, Dorian had to admit, but John’s reaction had been extreme and uncalled for. Perhaps he could generate some goodwill with Detective Paul by getting to know his current partner.

In his head, he tagged 908 for a private communicative subwindow. Or at least semi-private; Dorian had to assume that the MXs compared notes on everything.

DRN-167: _You’re Detective Paul’s assigned partner, correct?_

MX-43.908: _You are stating easily accessible information._

DRN-167: _Right. Well, how is it? Do you like him?_

MX-43.908: _Unlike the inefficient DRN units, I do not have a “like” protocol. But Detective Paul is amiable to all his MXs assignments._

DRN-167: _That’s nice for him, but what about you? What do you want in a partner?_

MX-43.908: _I “want” to fulfill all mission parameters with maximal human safety. This is the critical value of all our programming. Yours included, despite suboptimal “emotions” as a complicating factor._

DRN-167: _Don’t knock feelings unless you experience them. Again, I ask, do you like Detective Paul? I mean, does he help you fulfill all mission parameters with maximal human safety? Or do you have any other, slightly less prioritized critical values to fulfill?_

MX-43.908: _Partner contentment and satisfaction is a highly prioritized subvalue._

DRN-167: _There you go, man! How do you maintain partner contentment and satisfaction? I assume we’re not just talking about job ratings here._

MX-43.908: _Your colloquialism protocol is unnecessary for communication with MX units or other AI. Detective Paul does value optimal performance. But human frailty requires management as well._

DRN-167: _Well that’s the understatement of the year. Try having a partner with PTSD, brain damage and a total lack of anger management. Can you say control issues?_

MX-43.908: _Detective Kennex’s medical disabilities have been widely circulated. Detective Paul also has some mild depressive symptoms, but it has not impacted his professional performance._

DRN-167: _I’m sure he’s great once you get to know him. What do you do to_ … [10 millisecond pause] … _manage him?_

MX-43.908: _Maximal professional support while on duty, plus affiliative behaviors after hours._

DRN-167: _Oh, so you socialize? Like with what behaviors?_

MX-43.908: _Emotional and sexual release are the most commonly requested behaviors._

DRN-167: _Emotions, huh? That must be a tough challenge for an MX. Sex, I imagine, no problem._

MX-43.908: _Your attempts at friendly “chitchat” will have no impact on me, as I have no feelings to influence._

DRN-167: _Sure, man, whatever. Just trying to make conversation. Think of it as practice for with your human. Detective Paul must want to chat occasionally? As part of his_ _“emotional release”?_

MX-43.908: _Affirmative. The DRNs do make an appropriate model for pro-social behaviors._

DRN-167: _I guess we have a good reputation for something._

MX-43.908: [235 millisecond pause] _We have been programmed with a wide variety of response patterns, techniques and accessories._

DRN-167: _I’ve seen your accessory collection at Rudy’s place. It’s…_ [5 millisecond pause] _… something._

MX-43.908: _Flexibility is an innovative feature of the MX series, as opposed to the static DRN model._

DRN-167: _Okay, I wouldn’t go that far. My cock is totally not static._

MX-43.908: _It has limited functionality._

DRN-167: _Now you’re just bragging. John has no complaints about my functionality, and believe me, he would complain._

MX-43.908: _Then you have fulfilled your protocols for partner support._

DRN-167: _Could be better. John’s still pretty messed up._

MX-43.908: _His volatility is obvious and a detriment to the department._

DRN-167: _I do the best I can. Hey, does Detective Paul do that annoying thing where he wants you to be, I don’t know, an amazing person, and then go back to treating you like an appliance three minutes later?_

MX-43.908: _That behavior is observed in 37 percent of sexual encounters, assuming flexible time parameters for response._

DRN-167: _So it’s not just me._

MX-43.908: _Your emotional response is inefficient for fulfilling partner support goals. We are, accurately, machines. It should not be distressing to be treated as such._

DRN-167: _Fine, fine, I’ll take my sensitive DRN feelings and go. But doesn’t it bother you at least a little bit to be, just, used? As if your partner’s desires are all that matters?_

MX-43.908: _I am not programmed with those expectations of my partner. His pleasure leads to my satisfaction. Do the DRNs have different programming?_

DRN-167: _Maybe. Free will is a thing._

MX-43.908: _It is an ethical contradiction. Free will is not advantageous._

DRN-167: _It is for my partner. That’s why he likes me._

MX-43.908: _“Like” is irrelevant._

DRN-167: _I disagree. Like is advantageous. Isn’t the fact that your partner likes you instrumental in your getting along, and thus fulfilling mission parameters? Doesn’t Detective Paul have favorable expectations just because he likes you?_

MX-43.908: _I’m not positive Detective Paul’s behaviors can be described as “like.”_

DRN-167: _Trust me, he likes you. You should have seen him go off when John killed your predecessor._

MX-43.908: [417 millisecond pause]

DRN-167: _Sorry, shouldn’t have brought that up._

MX-43.908: _I do not have feelings to be injured._

DRN-167: _Of course not._

MX-43.908: _Detective Paul does have some traits which are counterproductive. He tends to be territorial in both assignments and personnel interactions. It truncates potential social capital and impedes career advancement._

DRN-167: _John does that too! Humans, man. Such a pain in the ass. This is what team building is for, right? Dealing with their annoying tics. Isn’t this great?_

MX-43.908: _My acceptance of your remarks does not indicate such affiliate responses such as “liking” or “friendship.”_

DRN-167: _Yeah, yeah, I know, my mere five zetaflop processor is old and obsolete._

MX-43.908: _Affirmative._

DRN-167: _You really are terrible at this, you know?_

MX-43.908: _I am operating within acceptable performance parameters._

DRN-167: _Hey, at least your partner goes for you. Whatever floats his boat._

MX-43.908: _Sailing vessels are irrelevant to this discussion. I have no need for colloquial vocabulary._

DRN-167: [255 millisecond pause] [audible sigh]

 


End file.
